I am so HAPPY!! I received my appointment date for the permanent spinal stimulator! I have to be at the Hospital on May 2 for the surgery. I am so excited. Now maybe I can get back to doing some of the things that I used to do that I can’t do at this time. I am so looking forward to simple thins like taking the dogs for walks around the lake. Working around in my yard. Taking better care of the house God only knows if I don’t do it things do not get done. I want to get things organized they way I know they can be. I am looking forward to now having to take pain pills any more. I hate when I have to take them because they make me feel weird and I get sick and can’t do anything. Only a few more weeks to go.  Then maybe I will be able to start walking and taking off some of the weight I have put on since I have not been abl to do much.  Boy the excitment I just can not wait!

I am kind of sad that My oldest son will not talk to me or let me have a relationship with the Grand children. Now that I will be able to do more I could be having so much fun with them and doing things with them that I know the parents don’t do with them. But again my promise to my self was to let things go that I can not control and that is one of them.

Tomorrow my honey and I am going to the shooting range and I am going to learn how to use my Christmas present. It is a gun. It is very sad what happened at Virginia Tech but the gun did not do it the person behind the gun did it. I don’t think everyone should have access to guns and believe me all of ours are locked up in a gun safe. Nothing is out where anyone can get to them. Most of the guns are period pieces that shoot black powder from the civil war era.

Once I can start doing things with out all the hurt I want to change the flower bed in my front yard. Right now I think it looks like a dog bone. The dog bone has got to go! I am going to get a few more rose bushes just because I like them. The rose bush that my son stomped on before he left my Dads house is coming back great. It has so much new growth on it. It is beautiful. When that bush blooms we always said that is when Mom is visiting. I know that she visits all the time but this is the last rose bush I bought her before she died. It is kind a sentimental.

I talked to my friend who took over Dads house and things are going along very quick.  They have tore  the kitchen out and are starting from scratch.  It is amazing the work they have done and the fact that all of the bills have been paid in full and on time since they have taken it over.  What a huge weight off of my shoulders.  I can't wait to see the place when they are done.

This next picture is a table that belonged to my MOM.  It was not ever taken care of after she died.  I spent a whole weeked and 2 bottles of brass cleaner to clean it up.  It was so green and black and tarnished.  Look how beautiful it turned out.  I know that she is pleased about how it looks now.

ok so I was taking pictures yester day.  her are a few more I wanted to share with you all.

Charm, she likes obedient people

casey relaxing on her favorite chair

Heidi sitting pretty

Ted talking to one of his many girlfriends.

Hugs to all and I wish you all a great weekend!

I was sent his e mail and I thought of all of my friends here at Xanga who have been around to support me and comfort me in all the times that I needed you.  That is why I am passing this on to ALL  of you.  Thank you all for being my friends!

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her
seniors in High School by telling them the difference
each of them had made. She called each student to
the front of the class, one at a time.
First, she told each of them how they had made a
difference to her, and the class. Then she presented
each of them with a blue ribbon, imprinted with gold
letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."
Afterwards, the teacher decided to do a class
project, to see what kind of impact recognition
would have on a Community. She gave each of
the students three more blue ribbons, and instructed
them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored
whom, and report to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a
nearby Company, and honored him for helping him with his
career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon, and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a
class project on recognition, and we'd like for you to go
out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give
them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person,
to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please
report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day, the junior executive went in to
see his boss, who had been noted, by the way,
as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his
boss down, and he told him that he deeply admired
him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very
surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would
accept the gift of the blue ribbon, and would he give
him permission to put it on him. His surprised
boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the
blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket,
above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon,
he said, "Would you take this extra ribbon, and pass it
on by honoring somebody else. The young boy who first
gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school, and we
want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out
how it affects people."

That night, the boss came home to his 14-year-old
son, and sat him down. He said, "The most
incredible thing happened to me today. I was
in my office, and one of the junior executives came
in and told me he admired me, and gave me a blue
ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine! He thinks I
am a creative genius! Then he put a blue ribbon
that says, "Who I Am Makes a Difference", on my
jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and
asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was
driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom
I would honor with this ribbon, and I thought about
you. I want to honor you. My days are hectic and
when I come home, I do not pay a lot of attention to
you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good
enough grades in school, and for your bedroom being
a mess. Somehow, tonight, I just wanted to sit here
and, well, just let you know that you do make a
difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the
most important person in my life. You're a great
kid, and I love you!"
The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he
could not stop crying His whole body shook. He
looked up at his father and said through his tears,
"Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a
letter to you and Mom, explaining why I had took my
life, and I asked you to forgive me. I was going to
commit suicide tonight after you were asleep.
I just did not think that you cared at all. The
letter is upstairs. I don't think I need it after all."
His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt
letter full of anguish and pain.

The boss went back to work a changed man. He
was no longer a grouch, but made sure to let all
of his employees know that they made a difference.
The junior executive helped several other young
people with career planning, and never forgot to
let them know that they made a difference in his
life...one being the boss' son. In addition, the young
boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson,

"Who you are DOES make a difference".

You are under no obligation to pass this on to
anyone.... not to two people, or to two hundred. As
far as I am concerned, you can forget it and move
on. On the other hand, if you want, you could
send it to all of the people who mean something to
you, or send it to the one, two, or three people
who mean the most.
On the other hand, just smile and know that I
think that you are important, or you would not
have received this in the first place. Who you are
does make a difference, and I wanted you to know
that.

Isn't this a wonderful story? I'm passing the blue
ribbon to you, for who YOU are does make a difference, too.

May GOD BLESS YOU. Have an awesome day, and know that
someone has thought about you today!

A prayer for today:
Lord, Thank you for my friends and family who really
do make a difference to me. AMEN

I am going to do what I can today around the house. I have so much that I need to get done. It is hard with the pain in my back. I almost bought a couple of rose bushes last night at the store. But then I thought gee I will have to plant them so I did not buy them just yet. I don’t think my back will take me playing in the yard just yet.

The weather this weekend is supposed to be great. I sure do hope so, My friend is supposed to come and finally finish my roof this weekend. I do hope that it gets done before hurricane season starts. We shall see I guess.

I did not realize when I had the spinal stimulator just how good it was working for me. Since the trial one has been removed the pains in my legs and feet have returned and also the pain in my shoulder has returned. The Rep for the company did tell me that it would improve circulation I just did not know how good this product would work all around.

I called my insurance company the other day to see what kind of time frame I am looking at. They could not give me an answer. Said it all depends upon the doctor and when he gets his information in. This doctor is so good! The first one that really does believe me about the pain and is trying to do something to help me with it.

Some family is here right now in Florida from Pennsylvania. I am going to go to my aunts today to see them. 2 uncles and an aunt. I am sure they will want to hear about the stuff going on with my son and his wife. I will give them a description and then say that is it I did not come to talk about them but to see you and drop the subject. Pretty much the whole family backs me and the choices I had to make and are just amazed that I supported them and paid their bills for as long as I did. Well HUGS t all and have a great day. Church was just wonderful this morning. Again HUGS TO ALL!

I WANT MY SPINAL STIMULATOR BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!   What a difference I feel since they took the trial out this morning.  I felt so good when I had that stimulator!  I am back on the pain pills which makes me not able to function in a normal way.  Gosh bureaucratic red tape really stinks and that is what this is with the insurance company.  They have to see that it is medically necessary.  Well I can tell them that it is. 

1. When I am taking the steroid shots they are only good for maybe a month or so then I have to have the shot right in my back very painful to get again and then a side effect is that my sugar goes to DANGEROUSLY high levels.  I am talking like between 350 to the 500 range WAY high.  That last for about a week to a week and a half after the procedure. 

2. I can take pain pills NARCOTICS that can be addicting.  With my history i am scared to death that i will get hooked.  so easy for that to happen so I do not take the pills the way the doctor prescribes them  to me.  I take them only when I can no longer take the pain.  The last script for a month lasted me 3 months before I ran out.  90 pills for 30 days and I had them for more than 3 months.

3. And then there is my third choice to just take the pain.  I have tried and I just can not do it any more.  I have no life with the pain.  I can not do anything I can not function. But then again when I take the pain pills they make me a loopy.  I do not feel comfortable to drive I do not feel comfortable to do anything.

I want to quit smoking but I find that when I sit around I smoke more.  When I get busy and get moving I smoke less.  I want to get back to where I can do my work in my yard and around my house.  I want to be able to take my dogs for walks around the block walking is good for you.  I had been loosing weight now that I am seaditary because it hurts to move I am putting it back on.  This is such a health issue for me and all I want to do is get my health back on track.

Sorry about going on and on about this but it just bugs me that I have no idea how long I have to weight till the Insurance company will decide that this is medically necessary or even if they will.  Please just pray that someone will open their eyes really soon and I will not have to wait long.

Other than all of that all is well.  It is getting closer for my trip to Pennsylvania in july.  I am so excited.  I can hardly wait.  I will be seeing all of my family.  I know I will not see my son so sad.  His wife left me a message on my cell that I should just forget about him that he does not want to talk to me that I am dead to him.  I still love him and I will be there for him emotionally but I just can not support him or his children I wish that I could but then even if I could, should I?  At the age of 30 he should be well on the way of taking care of him self.  I will just keep on praying.  Actually At the church I have been going to he is on the prayer list and the grand children as well.  I pray that God will when the time is right for them show them the truth and in their hearts they know that they are loved very much by me. 

Well that is all for now HUGS to all.

Sometimes insurance companies are so STUPID!!  This spinal stimulator is working so GREAT! No pain since the implant but this is just the trial one I have to have the permanent one implanted yet.  Went to the Dr. today and talk about how good this made me feel.  All excited about making the appointment for the permanent implant. And guess what?  My insurance says it has to be proven that it is medically necessary HELLO narcotic pain pill vers the stimulator just so I can function. DUH!!!  Sometimes these HMO and the PPO are just so unbelievable!  Anything to save a buck.  Any way I feel great.  HUGS to all.

WOW!!! This spinal stimulator is awsome!  I am sorry that it is just a trial for one day.  When they out that it works then I will be fitted with a permenant unit.  It is just tingling up and down my lower back and my legs.  But the tingling is not like the pain was.  I have a remote control that I can adjust the level of the stimulation.  I was told to take it easy for a couple of hours and then do the kind of things that usually cause me pain.  What I am going to do later is take my dogs for a walk.  I will not over do it just around the block but a walk not the less.  Hugs to all have a great day.

I have decided that I am done so very done.  I will not use this forum as a way to bash my daughter in law or my son.  I love my son and always will that will not change.  I tried to treat my daughter in law as a daughter she would not have any of it.  She grew up with out her mother who died when she was very young, maybe that is why she has a hard time showing emotions.  I have to learn to let go. I have to accept the things that I can't change and change the things that I can.  As the serenity prayers says.  I will not stoop down to another persons level.  I will not bash them in a public forum such as this.  I will not bring them up  again after this post except in a positive way if that day ever comes.  I do pray that, that day will come.  I pray that the lord will keep my grandchildren safe and help them know in their hearts that they have a grandmother that loves them with all of her heart.  Some day they will grow up and maybe then know the truth.  A promise to me is I will pray for my son and his family, I will pray that they stay safe and out of harms way and just know in my heart that I can not make them do anything they do not want to.  I can not make them travel down any roads they do not choose. I pray that I can except the fact that the life they choose and the paths they take are their choices.

This is my place to share my life with my friends.  I do consider you all my friends and I am very grateful that you all have been there for me thru the good times and the bad.  I started to read xanga when Aunt Donna (WICKGAL) was still with us. I have been friends with most of you since then and want to share with you all that just the other day I talked to Uncle Lawson.  he has remarried and is doing real good.   He said to tell you all thank you for thinking about him.  He missed Auntie for a while but has gone on with life that is what she would have wanted.

My son Teddy is a little upset that all of this happened with his brother but he is doing GREAT!  He has his own battles in life and I am trying to teach him that for ever choice you make there will be a reaction.  he has kept a job for nearly 2 years now.  I am so proud of him.  He no longer works a Sonny's a BBQ place here in florida.  We went to a small Italian restaurant that we love her near our house one day and the dish washer had walked out that day. He was hired on the spot at 50 cents more an hour.  He really likes it.  The owner who I met knows that Ted is slow and needs to be reminded from time to time but he is really working with him and is also proud of him.

I am still smoking but have cut down drastically!  I go tonight for my second hypnosis session.  I have also started taking a new medication called chantix.  It is supposed to help you quit smoking.  My problem is I really need to find something to replace the smoking.  I think maybe I need to start sewing Teddy Bears again to take up the time I used to use smoking.  Heck once I quit buying cigarettes I will be able to afford the materials needed to make oodles of Teddy Bears!  I know that it is really important to Quit.  I have been told that smoking will make my arthritis much worse.  Makes sense since when you smoke you take away oxygen out of your body.

My therapist says that I am doing great considering all that has happened over the last year.  She did not expect me to quit smoking with the first session.  But I have notice since starting the chantix that when I smoke I feel like I want to vomit.  It does not taste the same and I do not enjoy it as much so I guess maybe the medication works.  I would hope so since my insurance did not cover the cost and it was over 100.00 for just one month.  Hopefully I will only need it for one month at that price!

I feel sooooooooo dumb.  I fell 2 days ago flat on my back in my kitchen.  I went down so hard that my honey heard me clear at the other end of the house.  I spilled cleanser on the floor so I mopped it up.  Forgot that I mopped the floor and went to put something in the sink and my feet just went right out from under me.  The puppy thought oh cool mom wants to play and came to lick all over my face.  Honey come running to help me up I yelled for him to stop.  I did not need him slipping on the wet floor as well.  I don't know what I was thinking usually when I mop after wards I put the mop across the door way so everyone knows the floor is wet did not do it this time.  I have a HUGE bruise on my arm where i tried to catch myself.  I am I guess as ok as I can be.  Could have been much worse especially with my bad back.  I think my ego is bruised more that anything. Won't do that again any time soon.

Talked to Dad the other day.  He is doing great.  Now has a job where he does not have to be on his feet all the time since he has problems with his legs.  He is glad that the house is not going to be fore closed upon and I found someone to take over the bills and is paying them on time in full and even has the place all cleaned up out side.  he did wish it could have stayed in the family but as we know that did not work out.  I am waiting to go see him when Teds  approval to go see him comes thru.  That way I will have someone to drive with me.  We leave on a friday rent a room and see him all day saturday and then I have Sunday to recoup from the long drive.

I was in the house the other day it is AMAZING how much has been done in just a few weeks.  WOW!  The people who are taking over the mortgage are great.  No papers signed and they pay the bills.  I guess because they were friends to begin with help but after my experiences we have discussed it and we are going to do kind of a rent to own type lease so if anything happens Dad is protected and so am I.  They are just fine with that.  Dad knows that he will not make anything off of the house. Heck there is too much money that has to be put in to it.  I could not expect anyone to pay more than what the mortgage and the electric that they use is when their putting the money in to the house to fix it.

Now on a lighter side something I recieved in an e mail made me laugh.....  HUGS to all!!

About those Church Hymns              


A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. 

 

Gosh it has been a while since I have posted here.  I wish that I had the time and the ability to post more often.  With my back it is just so hard to sit here at the computer at home after sitting all day at work.  Things are pretty quiet here now that I have Dads things under control.  I have someone in the house that is renting to own.  bills are paid in full and on time and they are working at fixing things up and cleaning up the out side. In just one week things have improved so very much.

I go next tuesday for the spinal stimulator implant for my back.  They say at the pain clinic that it should help with the pain that I have in my back.  I sure hope so.  I do miss doing all the things I love to do.  Things like working in my yard, walking the dogs and being able to stand and do my dishies with out having to sit down before they are done.  Ok maybe not the dishes but they still have to be washed.

It is going to be a beautiful day here today. Temp is going to be about 87 sunny and not a cloud in the sky.  Kinda wish that it would rain though.  We do need it so very badly here in Florida.  The fire threat is very high.  I get so mad when I see people throw cigarettes out of the car windows.  I see fires start along side of the road all the time. So easy for things to get out of control.

I probably will not make it back by Easter with all that I have to do so I just want to wish all of my friends out there a very happy Easter.  My blessings are with you all.  Thank you Pepsi for all the great animations.

Just a short blog to let everyoe know I am working my butt off to get the rest of anything taht is salvagble out of Dads house.  But the good news is I have found a buyer! only for a little over what is owed on the place but at least it will not be forclosed upon by the finance company.  What a HUGE weight that has bee lifted from my shoulders. YIPPEE!!!!!!!! Hugs to all of you and thank you for all of your support and prayers.

I can not believe it has been a month since I have last posted here.  Things really have been crazy!  My son he was staying at my Dads house had a trespass filed against me.  He would not let m3e in to see the things that had to be fixed. or to remove things out of the house that belonged to my Dad.  He almost had me arrested. 

I have been clean from Crack Cocaine for 11 years and he even told the cop I was smoking crack she asked to search me and my car.  I was so very hurt and mad when he did that.  He even said that I was a better mother when I was on crack which hurt my youngest son.  He was the one that was with me when I was sick. 

He stole my Dads tools and tool box hat was in the house and took my mothers good set of stone ware dished a serving for 16 gone. 

he accused my boyfriend of being a child molester and crazy person with guns. You see we collect guns as a hobby most of them are black powder guns which we use when we do our civil war re enacting. and all guns are locked up not out where just any one can get them.  he is in the coast guard auxsillary and part of home land security.  Becaue I have a baby picture of him with is butt hanging out he was about 1 1/2 years old he is claiming that I  ME his mother molested him.

Well I had enought I am done paying there bills they would not let me in the house to get things that did not belong to them sooo. I called the child  abuse/nglecthot line and I reported them.  I explained the situation to them I even told them about the fight/argument.  They ran back to Pennsyvania.  after doing some work on the house.

The bed that were left the smeared poop all over them.  A file cabinet they poured bbq sause in it an on it also in a bed room the smeard something all over the floor who knows what.  Tooth paste all over the dinning room table.  I found out who they sold the microwave to.

They left me a horrid letter saying alot of horrible things.  My daughter in law wrote that a mother should take care of  her children no matter what age they are and nomatter weather they have a job or not.  This son is 30 years old with 5 children I owe them nothing!

Ultimately I think that we are going to loose the house.  I am going to let it go back to the finance company because I just can not afford to pay my mortgage and my fathers.  He got him self in this mess and if he looses the house that is because of what he did.  I did what I could for the last 8 months and I just can not do no more.

I might have someone who may be interested in the place for the land alone because god only knows that the place is a dump.  it is a trailer and I think that the best thing to do is just take the peice of what ever off and put something new on the property. 

Any way I have been scrambling the last we3ek to get all that I can out of the house before I go to the mortage company  most of the stuff that is left is trash excpecially since my son and his wife did what they did.

They even st9omped on a rose bush that was the last one I gave to my mother just to hurt me.  I would go and wrap it so it would not freeze when it got cold or be daaged by frost. That really did not work for them  I was able to save it for the most part and I dug it up and put it at my house and it is now doing just find.  Mom likes living here. 

I will blog again as soon as I can just hard to sit and do all that I need to do with my back and all I will get in to the back issues with you all later.  HUGS to all. And I do want to take this time to thank all my friends in Xanga land for allof your support.